Actuary Jokes

Actuaries do it without risk.

Actuaries do it with frequency and severity.

Actuaries do it until death or disability, whichever comes first.

  CONSULTING ACTUARY

A consulting actuary is a person who, when asked what time it is, tells you how to build a watch.

  THE ACTUARY & THE GUILLOTINE

Three men are sentenced to die by guillotine.

The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man´s neck. The executioner says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free."

So the first man leaves, and the second man takes his place. Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man´s neck. Again the Executioner says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free."

So the second man leaves, free. The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, "I think I see what the problem is ... "

  ACTUARIAL BUMPER STICKERS:


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  AN ACTUARY IN SAUDI ARABIA

A broker, an actuary and an agent are all caught drinking smuggled liquor while staying in Saudi Arabia. Under Saudi law, simply possessing alcohol is an offense punishable by death.

However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so he commutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20 lashes. After further thought, the prince does not want to offend the American government, so he also grants each a wish to ease their suffering.

The broker is punished first because he drank the most.

"What is your wish?", asks the saudi prince.

"I´d like to have a pillow on my back," replies the broker.

So a pillow is placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillow holds up for about 10 lashes, after which the broker screams out in pain.

The actuary had only a few drinks, so he is punished next.

"I´d like to have two pillows on my back," boldly states the actuary.

So two pillows are placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillows hold up for about 15 lashes, after which the actuary screams out in pain.

Finally, the agent steps forward. Of the three, he was the only one who didn´t drink. The Saudi prince is impressed by this, and grants him two wishes.

The agent then states, "Well, for my first wish, I want to receive 100 lashes, not 20."

"Your courage is impressive," states the prince. "and for your second wish?"

"Strap the actuary onto my back", replies the agent.

  TOP SIX THINGS

Top 6 things you will never hear an actuary say:

6. I have a hot date tonight.

5. I got a lot out of that marketing meeting.

4. Our prices are too high.

3. Just throw out that large loss; it’ll never happen again.

2. We’ve got to take more chances here.

1. We can expect your favourable trend to continue indefinitely

  GOD CREATED ACTUARIES

What did God say when he created Actuaries?
He scratched his head and said, "Go figure!" They took it literally.

  THE ACTUARY PRAYER

Our model, which art in nowhere.
Guessing be thy name.
Thy assumptions come,
Thy will be done in future as it was in the past.
Give us this day our premium rates,
and forgive us our lousy estimates,
as we forgive those who supply us with crappy data.
Lead us not into insolvencies,
and deliver us from auditors.
For thine is the #NAME?, #DIV/0!, and #VALUE!,
forever and ever. Amen.

  AN ACTUARY AND CPA'S

An Actuary is a CPA who found CPA work too exciting.

  DULL ACTUARY

And then there is the actuary who was so dull the other actuaries noticed.

  ACTUARY APPROXIMATELY WRONG

An actuary is someone who´d rather be completely wrong than approximately right.

  LAWYERS & ACTUARIES

A group of lawyers and a group of actuaries are travelling by train to conferences in the same city. The lawyers were surprised to see that the actuaries had only bought one train ticket for the entire group.

When the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the actuaries got up and went into the same bathroom. As the conductor went down the aisle, the lawyers dutifully handed him their tickets. When he came to the bathroom he said, "Ticket, please."

One ticket slid out, he punched it, and went on his way.

On the return trip home, the lawyers thought they´d try the same trick, but this time they noticed the actuaries had not bought any train tickets. As the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the lawyers got up and went into the same bathroom.

One of the actuaries walked over to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Ticket, please."

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  MEETING YOU HALF-WAY

An actuary is one who, if you´re drowning in a pond twenty feet offshore will throw you an eleven foot rope and point out that he´s meeting you MORE than half-way.

  ACTUARY WITH A BOMB

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

  DEAD ON TIME

An actuary is someone who expects everyone to be dead on time.

  INTROVERT OR EXTROVERTED ACTUARY

What is the difference between an introverted actuary and an extroverted actuary?

An introverted actuary stares at his own feet during a conversation, while an extroverted one stares at the other person's feet.

  ACTUARY SKIPPING GRADES

Actuaries are people who skipped the first six grades of school ... when all the other kids were learning short words.

  REFUSE TO SPEAK ENGLISH

In Canada, there is a group of people who refuse to speak English. They´re called separatists and tend to live in Quebec. In the United States they´re called actuaries.

  ACTUARY HAVING FUN

Actuaries like to have fun...when nobody is watching.

  2 + 2

Ask an actuary "What´s 2 + 2?"
Response: "What do you want it to be?"

  THE SKYDIVER & THE ACTUARY

A skydiver is blown off-course and lands in a tree in a remote area. After dangling from branches for an hour, he spots a hiker walking by.

"Excuse me," yells the parachutist, "but could you tell me where I am?"

The hiker looks up and says, "Yes, you´re twenty feet above the ground."

"Thank you," replies the skydiver, "You must be an actuary."

"What makes you say that?" asked the hiker.

The skydiver answered, "Because what you just told me was 100% accurate, but totally worthless!"

  DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOD & AN ACTUARY

Question: "What is the difference between God and an actuary?"
Answer: :"God doesn´t think he´s an actuary."

  DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ACCOUNTANT & AN ACTUARY

Question: "What is the difference between accountant and an actuary?"
Answer: :"About 25 grand!"

  ACTUARY CONTRACEPTIVE

Question; "What do actuaries use as contraceptives?"
Answer: "Their personality."

  HOW MUCH IS TWO PLUS TWO?

In response to "How much is two plus two?",

a marketing VP will say "22";

an accountant will say "4";

a mathematician will say "I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following proof ... ";

an actuary will ask "What do you want it to equal?"

  ACTUARY, UNDERWRITER & SALESMAN

An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car. The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.

  A NEGATIVE ACTUARY

Did you hear about the actuary who was so negative, when he walked into a room people would look around and say, "Who just left?"

  THREE KINDS OF ACTUARIES

Actuary talking: "There are three kinds of actuaries. Those that can count. And those that can´t."

  ACTUARY WITH A HEART

Definition of a computer: An actuary with a heart.

  ACTUARIES WIFE

What does an actuary´s wife do when she has insomnia?
She rolls over and says, "Tell me again, darling. Just what is it you do for a living?"

  SENILITY INSURANCE

A life actuary designed a new coverage "Senility Insurance". He expected low claims because "If you remember that you have a policy, it is proof that you are not senile."

  ACTUARY IS FLEXIBLE

An actuary is flexible; they are either right, or can prove it to be so.

  END TO END

You can take all the actuaries in the world and put them end to end, and they still won´t reach agreement.

  LIFE INSURANCE TO 98 YEAR OLDS

When a marketing officer asked an actuary why he recommended selling more life insurance policies to 98 year olds, the actuary replied, "According to our tables, very few of them die each year."

  ACTUARIES & ACCOUNTANTS

The only difference between actuaries and accountants is that actuaries don´t have to know how to golf in order to get a job.

  156 SEXUAL POSITIONS

Actuaries are very good at numbers - so good they even do sex by numbers. They know 156 different sexual positions. They just don´t know anyone who wants to have sex with them.

  FIND ANNUITY PRESENT VALUE

Question: How many accountants does it take to find the present value of an annuity?
Answer: Three. One to determine the amount of each payment, one to figure out which account to put the answer in, and one to go ask an actuary how to calculate it.