Actuary Jokes

Actuaries do it without risk.

Actuaries do it with frequency and severity.

Actuaries do it until death or disability, whichever comes first.


A consulting actuary is a person who, when asked what time it is, tells you how to build a watch.


Three men are sentenced to die by guillotine.

The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man´s neck. The executioner says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free."

So the first man leaves, and the second man takes his place. Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man´s neck. Again the Executioner says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free."

So the second man leaves, free. The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, "I think I see what the problem is ... "


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A broker, an actuary and an agent are all caught drinking smuggled liquor while staying in Saudi Arabia. Under Saudi law, simply possessing alcohol is an offense punishable by death.

However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so he commutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20 lashes. After further thought, the prince does not want to offend the American government, so he also grants each a wish to ease their suffering.

The broker is punished first because he drank the most.

"What is your wish?", asks the saudi prince.

"I´d like to have a pillow on my back," replies the broker.

So a pillow is placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillow holds up for about 10 lashes, after which the broker screams out in pain.

The actuary had only a few drinks, so he is punished next.

"I´d like to have two pillows on my back," boldly states the actuary.

So two pillows are placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillows hold up for about 15 lashes, after which the actuary screams out in pain.

Finally, the agent steps forward. Of the three, he was the only one who didn´t drink. The Saudi prince is impressed by this, and grants him two wishes.

The agent then states, "Well, for my first wish, I want to receive 100 lashes, not 20."

"Your courage is impressive," states the prince. "and for your second wish?"

"Strap the actuary onto my back", replies the agent.


Top 6 things you will never hear an actuary say:

6. I have a hot date tonight.

5. I got a lot out of that marketing meeting.

4. Our prices are too high.

3. Just throw out that large loss; it’ll never happen again.

2. We’ve got to take more chances here.

1. We can expect your favourable trend to continue indefinitely


What did God say when he created Actuaries?
He scratched his head and said, "Go figure!" They took it literally.


Our model, which art in nowhere.
Guessing be thy name.
Thy assumptions come,
Thy will be done in future as it was in the past.
Give us this day our premium rates,
and forgive us our lousy estimates,
as we forgive those who supply us with crappy data.
Lead us not into insolvencies,
and deliver us from auditors.
For thine is the #NAME?, #DIV/0!, and #VALUE!,
forever and ever. Amen.


An Actuary is a CPA who found CPA work too exciting.


And then there is the actuary who was so dull the other actuaries noticed.


An actuary is someone who´d rather be completely wrong than approximately right.


A group of lawyers and a group of actuaries are travelling by train to conferences in the same city. The lawyers were surprised to see that the actuaries had only bought one train ticket for the entire group.

When the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the actuaries got up and went into the same bathroom. As the conductor went down the aisle, the lawyers dutifully handed him their tickets. When he came to the bathroom he said, "Ticket, please."

One ticket slid out, he punched it, and went on his way.

On the return trip home, the lawyers thought they´d try the same trick, but this time they noticed the actuaries had not bought any train tickets. As the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the lawyers got up and went into the same bathroom.

One of the actuaries walked over to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Ticket, please."

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An actuary is one who, if you´re drowning in a pond twenty feet offshore will throw you an eleven foot rope and point out that he´s meeting you MORE than half-way.


An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.


An actuary is someone who expects everyone to be dead on time.


What is the difference between an introverted actuary and an extroverted actuary?

An introverted actuary stares at his own feet during a conversation, while an extroverted one stares at the other person's feet.


Actuaries are people who skipped the first six grades of school ... when all the other kids were learning short words.


In Canada, there is a group of people who refuse to speak English. They´re called separatists and tend to live in Quebec. In the United States they´re called actuaries.


Actuaries like to have fun...when nobody is watching.

  2 + 2

Ask an actuary "What´s 2 + 2?"
Response: "What do you want it to be?"


A skydiver is blown off-course and lands in a tree in a remote area. After dangling from branches for an hour, he spots a hiker walking by.

"Excuse me," yells the parachutist, "but could you tell me where I am?"

The hiker looks up and says, "Yes, you´re twenty feet above the ground."

"Thank you," replies the skydiver, "You must be an actuary."

"What makes you say that?" asked the hiker.

The skydiver answered, "Because what you just told me was 100% accurate, but totally worthless!"


Question: "What is the difference between God and an actuary?"
Answer: :"God doesn´t think he´s an actuary."


Question: "What is the difference between accountant and an actuary?"
Answer: :"About 25 grand!"


Question; "What do actuaries use as contraceptives?"
Answer: "Their personality."


In response to "How much is two plus two?",

a marketing VP will say "22";

an accountant will say "4";

a mathematician will say "I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following proof ... ";

an actuary will ask "What do you want it to equal?"


An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car. The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.


Did you hear about the actuary who was so negative, when he walked into a room people would look around and say, "Who just left?"


Actuary talking: "There are three kinds of actuaries. Those that can count. And those that can´t."


Definition of a computer: An actuary with a heart.


What does an actuary´s wife do when she has insomnia?
She rolls over and says, "Tell me again, darling. Just what is it you do for a living?"


A life actuary designed a new coverage "Senility Insurance". He expected low claims because "If you remember that you have a policy, it is proof that you are not senile."


An actuary is flexible; they are either right, or can prove it to be so.


You can take all the actuaries in the world and put them end to end, and they still won´t reach agreement.


When a marketing officer asked an actuary why he recommended selling more life insurance policies to 98 year olds, the actuary replied, "According to our tables, very few of them die each year."


The only difference between actuaries and accountants is that actuaries don´t have to know how to golf in order to get a job.


Actuaries are very good at numbers - so good they even do sex by numbers. They know 156 different sexual positions. They just don´t know anyone who wants to have sex with them.


Question: How many accountants does it take to find the present value of an annuity?
Answer: Three. One to determine the amount of each payment, one to figure out which account to put the answer in, and one to go ask an actuary how to calculate it.

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Actuaries are accountants who couldn´t stand the excitement.


Question: How can you tell when a pricing actuary is getting soft?
Answer: When he or she actually LISTENS to Marketing before saying "No".


A casualty actuary priced an automobile "Fire and Theft" policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, "Who would steal a burnt car?"


Three actuaries are at heaven´s gate and are being questioned by St. Peter on what usefulness they did in life.

The first actuary says, "I discovered a new rating plan that rates people more fairly," so St. Peter says, "Fine, welcome to heaven."

The second actuary says, "I discovered a new forecasting technique that predicts claims more accurately," so St. Peter says, "Fine, welcome to heaven."

The third actuary says, "I invented HMOs." St. Peter says, "Fine, you may stay three days, but then you have to leave."


A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg.

The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000.

The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "I have this situation in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn´t it?"


Question: Why did a heavy metal fan want to become an actuary?
Answer: He wanted to be paid for predicting death and destruction.


Question: How does an accountant liven up a party?
Answer: He invites an actuary.


An actuary is a professional who can solve a problem you didn't know you had in a way that you can't understand.


An actuary, traveling in the countryside, spots a shepherd with his flock. He offers, "I'll bet you one of your sheep that I can tell you how many are in your flock."

The shepherd, noticing the city-slicker look of the actuary, agrees. "973", the actuary confidently intones.

"Amazing, you win", replies the shepherd.

The actuary takes an animal and begins to walk away when the shepherd suddenly says, "Wait, I'll bet you double or nothing I can tell you what your profession is". The actuary, thinking the shepherd couldn't possibly have even heard the word "actuary" before, agrees.

"You're an actuary," says the shepherd.

The actuary, stunned, says, "How did you know?", to which the shepherd replies, "Put my dog down and I'll explain it to you."


An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1,248 sheep out there."

The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?"

The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."


Two underwriters boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, an actuary got on and took the aisle seat next to the two underwriters. The actuary kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the underwriter in the window seat said, "I think I´ll get up and get a soda."

"No problem," said the actuary, "I´ll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the underwriters picked up the actuary´s shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the soda, the other underwriter said, "That looks good, I think I´ll have one too." Again, the actuary obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other underwriter picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

The Actuary returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Actuary slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in sodas?"


10. I just can't get down to that price ... let me get my Actuary.

  9. I wish you priced all of my accounts.

  8. Your tail selection looks too low to me.

  7. Is it me, or was that Actuary the life of the party?

  6. Maybe you should round UP this time.

  5. No hurry.

  4. I'm going on a sales call, gather up all the Actuaries.

  3. We really want you to join our golf game.

  2. Shouldn't we trend AND develop those losses?

  1. You actuaries are worh every penny they pay you.


A lawyer, an accountant and an actuary are discussing the merits of having a mistress or a wife.

The lawyer reckons it is better having a mistress, because the wife can take everything if you should come to a divorce.

The accountant reckons it is definitely better having a wife, from a taxation perspective.

The actuary reckons it is better having both, because when you are not with the wife, she thinks you are with the mistress, and when you are not with the mistress, the mistress thinks you are with the wife, and that way, you can spend more time at the office.


An actuary, two accountants and a hippie were flying in a four seat plane when the actuary calculated it was highly probable they would run out of gas and crash over the sea if they did not parachute to safety over land soon. The accountants found the parachutes and after several minutes of calculations came back together to announce there were only three parachutes, but four people.

One of the accountants sarcastically looked at the actuary and said, "You actuaries are supposed to be so smart - why don't you figure out how 3 can equal 4?"

The actuary seriously replied, "The proof would be a waste of time; the most logical way to decide this is to have the person with the smallest remaining life expectancy stay on the plane."

When the actuary did the calculations, he decided that the 60 year old smoking hippie was the one who had to stay. With this decided, the actuary promptly grabbed a parachute and jumped out. The accountants looked at the hippie with a great deal of guilt since they hadn't comprehended the calculations or the logic behind the decision.

The hippie looked at them and said, "Man, that really sucks! I wish I could have gotten my pot out of my backpack before that actuary jumped out with it."


An actuary owns hens that lay eggs, and he collects one egg from them every morning fpr breakfast. He also has an accountant neighbor who watches him collect the eggs each day. One day, one of the hens gets out of its cage and lays the egg in the acountant's back yard. The actuary sees this and challenges the accountant over ownership of the egg.

An argument ensues, and the actuary offers to settle it in a contest: "We take turns in kicking each other where it hurts, and whoever takes the least time to get up wins the egg."

The accountant agrees, and the actuary gets to kick first. He goes inside, puts on his steel capped boots, takes a run at the accountant and kicks for his life, right where it hurts the most.

The accountant collapses, and hobbles to his feet after about half an hour. "Now it's my turn," he says with some relish.

The actuary responds, "Nah, keep the egg."


How do you get an actuary to laugh on a Thursday? Tell them a joke on a Monday.


If irreverent priests are defrocked, and dishonest attorneys are disbarred, shouldn´t difficult actuaries be deactivated?


Definition of CPA: A person who can't Pass Actuarial exams.


An accountant, a lawyer, and an actuary are walking down the street when they come upon a man who has just accidently dropped a number of coins out of his pocket onto the sidewalk.

The accountant glances around at the coins, totals their value, and advises the man on how much he lost.

The lawyer ignores the coins and starts searching the sidewalk for dollar bills.

The actuary uses the total value of the lost coins to project what´s left in the guy´s pocket.


An actuary's wife had a cat that continually annoyed him. In the middle of the night, the actuary got up and took the cat to a nearby lake. There he took a boat to the deepest part of the lake and put the cat in a bag filled with rocks. He securely closed the bag and threw it overboard.

The next day his wife was quite distraught at the cat's disappearance. To show his concern, the actuary called the local newspaper to place a lost cat ad. For return of the cat a $10,000 reward was offered.

When questioned about the size of the reward the actuary stated "When you are confident of your contingencies, you can be liberal with your benefits."


An actuary is walking down the corridor when he feels a twinge in his chest. Immediately, he runs to the stairwell and hurls himself down. His friend, visiting him in the hospital, asks why he did that.

The actuary replies, "The chances of having a heart attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack only."


Some insurance company officers are taking a walk in the woods. Following a path, they come upon a dead bird.

The actuary bends down, examines the bird carefully, and says: "I think we may be able to determine how this bird died."

The agent says: "It makes no difference how it died--it wasn't MY fault."

The accountant says: "Not another dead bird! How are we going to bury this one?"

The auditor carefully notes exactly what kind of dead bird it is, and looks around for more.

The claims manager says, "Oh, this kind of dead bird is never going to happen again."

And the product manager says: "This bird isn't dead! I swear, it's going to start flying around any minute now!"


Several actuaries were sitting around at an actuaries joke telling convention. These actuaries knew their jokes so well that they assigned numbers to them. In order to save time, instead of telling the joke they would just shout out the number.

"387" shouted out one actuary. The others all laughed loudly in approval of the joke.

"834 shouted another of the actuaries. The others laughed mildly at this one.

"1,023" shouted another of the actuaries. Most of the others laughed mildly at this one. There was one young actuary in the group who was rolling on the floor and laughing hysterically at that joke.

The actuary who shouted out "1,023" settled the young actuary who had been rolling on the floor and then asked him "What is it about joke 1,023 that is so funny?"

"I never heard that one before", replied the young actuary.


A doctor, an engineer and an actuary were arguing about which was the oldest profession.

The doctor stated that God created Eve from Adam´s rib, which was of course a surgical procedure.

The engineer argued that, earlier, God had created order from chaos, which was an engineering feat.

"But," asked the actuary, "who created the chaos?"


An actuary and an underwriter are watching the eleven o´clock news. A story comes on involving a man on a window ledge threatening to jump.

The underwriter says, "I´ll bet you fifty bucks he doesn´t jump."

The actuary says, "I´ll take that bet." A few minutes later the guy jumps.

As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, "Never mind. It´s not fair. I saw it on the six o´clock news".

The underwriter responds, "So did I, but I just didn´t think it would happen twice."


A woman was in the hospital after feeling very ill. The doctor says to her, "I have some bad news for you. You only have three months to live."

"Oh that´s terrible," the woman sighs, "what am I going do?"

The doctor replies, "Marry an actuary."

"Will I live longer?" asks the woman. "

"No," replies the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."


Two Underwriting Coeds are chatting. The first asks, "How was your blind date with that actuarial science major?"

The second replies, "I had to slap his face!"

The first asks, "Was he that fresh?"

The second replies, "No - I was afraid he was dead!"


Today´s actuary can get a certain amount of social respect anywhere ... by pretending to be an economist.


A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an actuary joke?"

The guy next to him replies, ""Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I´m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I´m an actuary. The guy sitting next to me is 6´2" tall, 225 pounds, and he´s an actuary. And the guy sitting next to him is 6´5" tall, 250 pounds, and he´s an actuary. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?""

The first guy says, "No, I don´t want to have to explain it three times.""

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The CEO of a insurance company loses his Chief Actuary and hires a firm of headhunters to find a new one. After a while they contact him to say they have five candidates for interview.

To their surprise he asks if any of them has only one arm. After checking the files they indeed find one who has only one arm.

The CEO immediately says "OK, I´ll take him".

When asked why, the CEO replies "I want an actuary who can make a decision. I´m fed up with actuaries who keep saying "But on the other hand..."


Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first actuary´'s shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second actuary´s shot is 20 feet wide to the right. The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it.


A psychologist was studying the problem-solving abilities of engineers and actuaries.

During a joint interview with one engineer and one actuary, the engineer was asked "If there was a fire in the wastebasket and a bucket of water on my desk, what would you do?"

The engineer responded that "I would put out the fire with the bucket of water."

Then the actuary was asked "If there was a fire in the wastebasket and a bucket of water on the window sill, what would you do?"

The actuary's studied reply was "I would move the bucket to the desk, thus reducing the problem to the previously solved one."


One day there was a fire in a wastebasket in the Dean's office and in rushed a physicist, a chemist, and an actuary.

The physicist immediately starts to work on how much energy would have to be removed from the fire to stop the combustion.

The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation.

While they are doing this, the actuary is setting fires to all the other wastebaskets in the office.

"What are you doing?" they demanded.

"Well to solve the problem, obviously you need a large sample size."


An engineer, an architect and an actuary are stranded on a desert island with only one can of baked beans and no can opener.

The engineer suggests lighting a fire to heat up the can so that the contents will expand and force the can to open.

The architect says the contents would scatter all over the place, so he suggests building a structure around the fire to catch the contents.

The actuary says, "Assume a can opener ... "


"I once told an actuary to go to the end of the line. He came back five minutes later and said he couldn´t because someone else was already there."


An underwriter takes his two actuaries into a restaurant. The waiter asks the underwriter what he would like to eat and the underwriter replies, "I´ll have the steak."

The waiter then asks the underwriter, "And for your vegetables?"

The underwriter replies, "They´ll have steaks too."


Dear Dr Ruth,

I have a problem which I hope you can help me with.

My mother and father are divorced. I have one brother who is an actuary in London. My other brother is serving his second prison sentence for rape. My mother is 8 months pregnant by the neighbour next door and he refuses to marry her. My two sisters work the streets and hotels at night. My father lives off their earnings.

Recently I met a very attractive girl, who is an ex-prostitute, and whom I love. She has three lovely children - one black, one Asian and one white.

The problem is this, Dr Ruth; should I tell my girl about my brother being an actuary?


Question: How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb? 



Q: What´s the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary? Answer: An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a mafia actuary can name them.
Q: How does an actuary get a date? Answer: Go to a bar, and show your W-2.
Q: What´s the difference between an actuary and an accountant? Answer: An actuary does much the same thing as an accountant but lacks the accountant´s bright and vivacious personality.
Q: What´s the difference between a sperm and an actuary? Answer: The sperm has a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: How do you keep an actuary in the shower all day? Answer: Give the actuary a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
Q: What is the difference between an actuary and a computer? Answer: At least the computer has some type kind of personality.
Q: How do you recognize an extrovert actuary? Answer: He looks at your shoes and not his own, when he is speaking to you.
Q: Why did the underwriter deny coverage to the nudist colony? Answer: There were no sufficient rates to cover the exposure.
Q: What do you call an actuary who is talking to someone? Answer: Popular.
Q: What's the difference between an actuary and a corpse? Answer: The corpse is better dressed.
Q: How do you tell the difference between an actuary and the deceased person at a funeral? Answer: The deceased has a new tie.
Q: Why did the actuary put in his will that he is to be buried in Israel? Answer: The chances of resurrection are better there.
Q: How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?  Answer: How many did it take last year?
Q: What did the actuary receive for first degree murder? Answer: Twenty years certain and life thereafter.
Q: Why did the actuary keep a can of lubricating oil in his top drawer? Answer: To oil the wheels of his chair; otherwise they might squeak and someone might notice he was there.
Q: What is a joke to an actuary? Answer: Something that ALMOST makes him or her laugh.

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