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Did you hear about the Dyslexic newcomer? He heard that page 69 was the sex page but by the time he got home he looked up page 96 and found this:
"Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer."

How about the alcoholic who fell off the Empire State building? At the window of each floor, as he fell past, they could hear him say "I'm all right soo far".

Then there was an alcoholic who woke up after a great San Francisco earthquake and said "How am I going to pay for all this?".

Two old timers are sitting around talking about the what type of meetings there are in heaven. They agreed that if they could, when one of them died he would find a way to come back and let the other one know. David died and Jim was very sad. Several months later Jim heard a whispered "Jim." He looks around and sees nobody. The voice again whispers "Jim." "David...is that you?" "Yes Jim...and I've brought you good news and bad news. The good news is that there are meetings going on all the time...the bad news is that you are speaking on Friday."

There was a drunk walking along the beach one day. He kicked up a bottle with a cork in it. Thinking this might be drinkable, he opened it. A Genie popped out and granted him 2 wishes. For his first wish "I've always wanted a bottle of booze that never emptied!" "DONE!" said the Genie. The drunk tested it and sure enough the bottle filled up each time he took a slug of it. "What is your second wish?" asked the Genie. Replied the drunk "Can I have another one of these?"

All programs like AA, WW, etc require commitment. Don't be like the WW2 Japanese Kamikaze pilot who was on his 25th mission. Be committed to your program and yourself.

Mirror Mirror on the wall,
Who's the sickest of them all,
Could it be me by any chance,
Oh yes it is, I've wet my pants.

When in worry,
When in doubt,
Run in circles,
Scream and shout.

"Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins he reflected for a moment and replied, "The one I feed the most."

Remember the story about the man who fell off the cliff. A small tree broke his fall. As he dangled precariously, with the abyss below, he called out "Is there anyone up there?". A booming voice answers "Yes, it is I. God." Terrified, the man begs God to help. God says "Okay, just let go." The man thinks it over, then yells "Is there anyone else up there?"

Have you heard about the latest 12 step group for compulsive talkers? It's called ... On and On Anon

An art teacher is going around the room checking on the pictures her class was drawing.
One little girl said "I'm drawing a picture of the countryside with all the peace that trees, animals and a small river can give it."
Another student said "I'm drawing a picture of the city with its tall buildings, of transportation and power."
Little Jimmie (future alcoholic) was hard at work on his drawing. The teacher asked "what are you drawing, Jimmie?"
"I'm drawing a picture of GOD!"
"But" said the teacher, "nobody knows what GOD looks like."
Jimmie answered "They will in a minute!"

Found on a wall in Germany:

God is Dead! ~ Fredrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, 1882

Written underneath was:

Nietzsche is dead! ~ GOD, August 25, 1900


The newcomer said "Enough about me now, let's talk about you. What do you think about me?"

A newcomer is having a discussion about God. He says "I don't believe in God! I was stuck on a block of ice in the middle of the river and I kept praying to God to rescue me and He didn't answer my prayer."
I asked him "Well you're here now...what happened?"
He replied "Oh, an eskimo, who just happened to by rowing by, picked me up and took me to shore."

As a newcomer is talking to an oldtimer, the oldtimer has a heart attack. As he slides down to the floor the newcomer follows him down still talking about himself. As the oldtimer is laying there gasping and saying "Call 911", the newcomer says "Ok, in just a moment but first, what do you think I should do about this situation I'm in?"

Relationships in AA: The odds are good but the goods are odd!

Have you ever noticed that uncomfortable moment at the end of your first AA date...
Do you kiss or hold hands and say the Lords Prayer?

How can you tell when two alcoholics are on their second date?
There is a moving van parked in one of their driveways.

What's the difference between an addict & an alcoholic?
Either will steal your wallet, but the addict will spend all night helping you look for it.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?  
Just one - he holds the lightbulb and the whole world revolves around him.

Arguing with your sponsor is like participating in the Special Olympics...
win or lose you are still retarded!

Not working the steps and wondering why nothing good is happening is like waiting in front of an empty fireplace waiting for heat...taint gonna' happen until you put wood into the fireplace.

The new Literature chair-lady was soo excited in making her first announcement she said "If it's soft, it's free...if it's hard, come see me!"

Beneath every skirt, there's a slip!

Behind every zipper, there's a slipper!

Why do they call the back row at an AA meeting the "shoe department"?

Because that's where you can find the slippers and loafers.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had a meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Big Book reading mistakes:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our loves had become unmanageable.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our wives had become unmanageable.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmentionable.

Sought through prayer and medication...

Sought through pears and meditation...

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong probably admitted it.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong proudly admitted it.

What? An order?? I can't go through with it!!!

We will comprehend the word cemetery and we will know peace.

    Submitted to me:

  • Sobriety is the leading cause of relapse.

  • If you're not supposed to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

  • A treatment center is where you go and pay $15,000 to find out that A. A. meetings are free.

  • This is a 'One Day at a Time' program. If you are clean and sober today, you are tied for first place in A. A.

  • If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.

  • I often obsessively pursue feeling good...no matter how bad it makes me feel.

  • When I was new, I didn't think I had any obsessions until I started thinking about it. Then it was all I could think about.

  • How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

  • It's not old behavior if I'm still doing it.

  • If you want to quit drinking, you are going to have to quit drinking.

  • Newcomer: "How do I know how many meetings I should attend each week?" Old-timer: "Gradually cut back until you drink. Then you'll know."

  • If you're looking to have an image in A. A., look around at the meetings you go to and take a look at who you're trying to impress.

  • I would rather go through life sober, believing I am an alcoholic, than go through life drunk, trying to convince myself that I am not.

  • An alcoholic is a person who wants to be held while he's isolating.

  • Resentments are like stray cats: if you don't feed them, they'll go away.

  • In California we call them babies cause they are like babes in the woods; in New York they call them pigeons cause they are sure to shit on you!

  • The difference between a problem drinker and an Alcoholic is that:
    • A) When the alcohol is taken away from the problem drinker, the problem goes away.
    • B) When the alcohol is taken away from the Alcoholic, the problem begins.

  • Baby: "When will I get a good job?"
    • Sponsor: "When you are ready."
    • Baby: "How will I know I am ready?"
    • Sponsor: "You'll have a good job."

  • If I am not the problem, then there is no solution.

  • Before I came into AA, I was dead, but I did not know enough to lay down.

  • It is the great obsession of every Al-Anon, that someday he or she will learn to control and enjoy their drinker.

  • You don't have to be sick to want to get well. But if you don't want to get well, you ARE sick.

  • I can't do His will my way.

  • In order to change the way we feel we need to change the way we act.

  • There is only one way to coast, and that is down hill.

  • The good news is you get your emotions back; The bad news is you get your emotions back.

  • Don't be a pigeon. If you tie a message to a pigeon's foot and send him to Denver, the guy in Denver will get the message ... but the pigeon won't.

  • I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess.

  • Without memory, there is no healing. Without forgiveness, there is no future.

  • Never let the disease beguile you into thinking: It wasn't that bad.

  • A broken brain can't fix a broken brain.

  • I try to take 1 day at a time but sometimes several days attack me at once.

  • It's not old behavior if you're still doing it.

  • Resentments are like stray cats: if you don't feed them, they'll go away.

  • I was so sick I couldn't have made out in a woman's prison with a pocket full of pardons.

  • If you miss 7 meetings, it makes you 'weak'.

  • Be careful of your thoughts for your thoughts become your words;
    Be careful of your words for your words become your actions;
    Be careful of your actions for your actions become your habits;
    Be careful of your habits for your habits become your character;
    Be careful of your character for your character becomes your destiny.

  • Treat your mind like a bad neighborhood - don't go there alone.

  • Ten out of ten people die, so don't take life too seriously.

  • I'm not much but I'm all I think about.

  • I drank because I was awake.

  • This is a million dollar program shoved up your ass a nickel at a time.

  • The Ten Commandments are not multiple choice.

  • It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

  • AA is for quitters.

  • If you're feeling squirrely, come to meetings where the nuts hang out.

  • I came to AA to save my ass but found out it was attached to my soul.

  • When I was newly sober and deep into myself I would call my sponsor. He would tell me to open up the Big Book to the top of page 112 and read the first 3 words.

  • God is showing off today.

  • The steps help us from committing suicide;
    The traditions help us from committing homicide.

  • The ISMs stand for Incredibly Short Memory.

  • I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

  • AA works because we aren't all in fear at the same time.

  • If you used to think about suicide, but now you're thinking about homicide...at least you're thinking about someone else.

  • It's amazing how many people argue about what religion is right and what religion is wrong. These arguments were around way before any of us were born and will continue long after we die. Not everyone travels the same path on their journey to finding God.

  • Family knows how to push your buttons because they installed them.

  • Excuse me, are the noises in my head bothering you too much?

  • To satisfy the craving guarantees more craving. (Dennis P)

  • I was a dopeless hope fiend. (Perry)

  • Keep coming back. We don't have many failures, just some quitters. (Maury S.)

  • God brought me to AA then AA brought me to God.

  • For me alcohol is God Repellant.

  • ism = incredibly short memory.

  • There is no right way to do the wrong thing.

                                                                                 

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